Monday, 14 March 2011
Of seclusion...
Does being alone shape our perception of solitairy living differently than when we are communal and busy with inter-personal relationships? I think it does to some level of degree.
I was an only child for the first eight years of my existence, but really in terms of relationships between siblings I was an only child for about twelve years, or until my sister was old enough to interact with me. Sure when she was born the structure of my upbringing changed with less focus being placed on me and more on her developement, but what really changed for me? Before when parents were away or busy I was expected to entertain myself, after I was still expected to entertain myself, perhaps more often but as I was also growing older and more independent I needed less help and guidance from adults in comparison to when I had been younger.
And though I don't think siblings or whether you are eldest or youngest, middle or only really can define a person or their personality. Most of people's personality they have when they are born, sometimes the person can change slightly to adapt to their outcomes. This is how siblings and seclusion overlap.
Sometimes having siblings is the strongest form of seclusion, as families struggle to change the bond and roles within them. I was alone when I was an only child and I coped with it, but I didn't feel alone until my sister was born and my parents had other things to worry about. But I think I dealt with it better in comparison to my sister dealing with her lost role as the baby when our brother was born five years later.
She has a very demanding personality, when you upset her she explodes and gets angry. I have a demanding personailty in a different way, my sister will make it known that she is doing something where as I never saw the reason to report my actions. I require a similar amount of attention to the attention given to my sister but in a different way. My sister seeks recognition, even for her misdeeds, I gain attention by slinking off quietly, becoming easily forgotten. Between the two of us I'm sneakier, not because I'm trying to be I just am, so the parents seek me out and check up on my activities every so often.
I think it's important to note that she and I have always had these underlying personality traits, and they may be the causes of some disputes, mainly the focus being the difference in how we cope with being alone. My sister is not okay with being alone, she feels that she needs constant social stimuli, she cannot cope with being secluded and will burst into theatrics at the idea. I am okay with being alone, I know that alone time can be used in an entertaining way. Creating imaginary worlds and adventures, reading, exploring, I know how to do these and can resort to them to postpone boredom. But is this because of my inherent personality or because of my role in the household growning up?
I could argue that I had to cultivate the skill to cope with periods of seclusion to remain happy and deal with the lifestyle of an only child. I can also argue that my personality is just generally okay with the idea of being alone and secluded. For instance I may have friends at school, but I have more boundaries about activities than my sister. I don't like as much contact with others as she likes, and I even feel like I need or want to be alone, where she becomes hysterical if the idea comes about that she should be alone. I value my "pondering" time and willingly spend time curled up indoors entertaining myself, my sister would never choose to do something like that.
Perhaps the arguement could also be that this is because of my age, I think this is probably the weakest idea because I have the same level as drama as my sister but in a much different way. For instance if she and I were frightened by something, someone jumping out at us as an example, she would get angry and choose the fight instinct, I would choose flight. She isn't a violent person, her responses are just different and I doubt that age will change her initial reaction, only the way she deals with social situations.
And it is because our methods of reaction are different that our responses to our family roles being changed are so different. When my sister was born for awhile I tried to compete for the same amount of attention I had recieved before, but after awhile I returned to my normal routine of slinking off to do things that interest me, alone. When my brother was born my sister started fighting for attention just like I had, but when she couldn't get it she would act out and force it from the parents even if it was negative, she also figured out that by staying with our baby brother she could share the attention given to him.
Perhaps seclusion can create a response either negatively or positively about being alone. But I think it is more likely that personal tolerance relies more on the person than on the situations they have experienced. Why else would my sister and I who had a similar experience choose such different responses to the change in our roles?
I was an only child for the first eight years of my existence, but really in terms of relationships between siblings I was an only child for about twelve years, or until my sister was old enough to interact with me. Sure when she was born the structure of my upbringing changed with less focus being placed on me and more on her developement, but what really changed for me? Before when parents were away or busy I was expected to entertain myself, after I was still expected to entertain myself, perhaps more often but as I was also growing older and more independent I needed less help and guidance from adults in comparison to when I had been younger.
And though I don't think siblings or whether you are eldest or youngest, middle or only really can define a person or their personality. Most of people's personality they have when they are born, sometimes the person can change slightly to adapt to their outcomes. This is how siblings and seclusion overlap.
Sometimes having siblings is the strongest form of seclusion, as families struggle to change the bond and roles within them. I was alone when I was an only child and I coped with it, but I didn't feel alone until my sister was born and my parents had other things to worry about. But I think I dealt with it better in comparison to my sister dealing with her lost role as the baby when our brother was born five years later.
She has a very demanding personality, when you upset her she explodes and gets angry. I have a demanding personailty in a different way, my sister will make it known that she is doing something where as I never saw the reason to report my actions. I require a similar amount of attention to the attention given to my sister but in a different way. My sister seeks recognition, even for her misdeeds, I gain attention by slinking off quietly, becoming easily forgotten. Between the two of us I'm sneakier, not because I'm trying to be I just am, so the parents seek me out and check up on my activities every so often.
I think it's important to note that she and I have always had these underlying personality traits, and they may be the causes of some disputes, mainly the focus being the difference in how we cope with being alone. My sister is not okay with being alone, she feels that she needs constant social stimuli, she cannot cope with being secluded and will burst into theatrics at the idea. I am okay with being alone, I know that alone time can be used in an entertaining way. Creating imaginary worlds and adventures, reading, exploring, I know how to do these and can resort to them to postpone boredom. But is this because of my inherent personality or because of my role in the household growning up?
I could argue that I had to cultivate the skill to cope with periods of seclusion to remain happy and deal with the lifestyle of an only child. I can also argue that my personality is just generally okay with the idea of being alone and secluded. For instance I may have friends at school, but I have more boundaries about activities than my sister. I don't like as much contact with others as she likes, and I even feel like I need or want to be alone, where she becomes hysterical if the idea comes about that she should be alone. I value my "pondering" time and willingly spend time curled up indoors entertaining myself, my sister would never choose to do something like that.
Perhaps the arguement could also be that this is because of my age, I think this is probably the weakest idea because I have the same level as drama as my sister but in a much different way. For instance if she and I were frightened by something, someone jumping out at us as an example, she would get angry and choose the fight instinct, I would choose flight. She isn't a violent person, her responses are just different and I doubt that age will change her initial reaction, only the way she deals with social situations.
And it is because our methods of reaction are different that our responses to our family roles being changed are so different. When my sister was born for awhile I tried to compete for the same amount of attention I had recieved before, but after awhile I returned to my normal routine of slinking off to do things that interest me, alone. When my brother was born my sister started fighting for attention just like I had, but when she couldn't get it she would act out and force it from the parents even if it was negative, she also figured out that by staying with our baby brother she could share the attention given to him.
Perhaps seclusion can create a response either negatively or positively about being alone. But I think it is more likely that personal tolerance relies more on the person than on the situations they have experienced. Why else would my sister and I who had a similar experience choose such different responses to the change in our roles?
Monday, 14 February 2011
Of Valentine's Day and other "Romantic" holidays...
Okay, so it's the "worst" time of year to be single. But is it really? The answer is: It's just like every fucking day of singledom... monotonous, droning and dull. You drink a little more, feel a little more shit about yourself. Especially since everyone either patronises you or shoves their relationships in your face. Solution?
Fuck them all. Make everyone Valentines. Why should the self absorbed couples be the only ones to act out this "perfect" day? Sure you can't give out your honmei-choco because it would make you a selfish horrible bitch, since he just happens to be happily involved elsewhere, elsewhere being right in front of you. You'll only feel like a jealous bitch for a couple days, so whats the big deal... Oh wait they are arguing and you can't help feeling slightly hopeful and slightly fucked up at the same time.
I don't think I'll ever like this holiday.
PS Excuse my horrible language, this is a total bitch rant, but you can't keep all your unhealthy guilty feelings to yourself. It'll only make you feel more hopeless and desperate.
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Of maturity.
Being mature doesn't always correlate to age, but it is a good place to start. With time we grow, and our knowledge of ourselves and the people around us becomes more clear. Some people do this faster and some slower. We inevitably find that we surround ourselves with people who are not the same age but the same maturity as ourselves, for maturity gives us a level of understanding and the ability to enjoy each other. When we find someone who lags behind us or leaps forward in maturity we often find ourselves annoyed by our lack of understanding.
If you fall behind be cautious and strive to keep up while with those more mature than yourself, otherwise you may wake to find yourself alone and cast out from the group. Maturity isn't always something you change but you can choose when it is inappropriate to act in certain ways. For instance if you are at a party and everyone else is drinking modestly, follow suit and don't hit the bottle. The people around you may take care of you but they will resent you for your initial decision, and the discomfort you caused them.
And if you can't keep up, don't go. It is the easiest way to stay out of trouble and to remain friends of those who are ahead of yourself.
Unfortunatly to do this requires the maturity to understand your own limits. It is the sad fact that sometimes you need something in order to gain more of it. But without maturity you cannot progress, perhaps this is why we gain this type of wisdom with age and experiences, and we all must falter and learn the harsh reality that our actions reflect our decisions, and it is our actions that people remember far beyond the words we may utter now.
And maybe this is one of the hardest lessons we learn when we grow up, because this requires us to make mistakes and recognize that it was our decision that caused our failures. But even harder is to change your behaviour so that you don't make the same mistake twice. When you can do that, regardless of what is easier, then you have learned that being mature isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it is essential to being an adult.
If you fall behind be cautious and strive to keep up while with those more mature than yourself, otherwise you may wake to find yourself alone and cast out from the group. Maturity isn't always something you change but you can choose when it is inappropriate to act in certain ways. For instance if you are at a party and everyone else is drinking modestly, follow suit and don't hit the bottle. The people around you may take care of you but they will resent you for your initial decision, and the discomfort you caused them.
And if you can't keep up, don't go. It is the easiest way to stay out of trouble and to remain friends of those who are ahead of yourself.
Unfortunatly to do this requires the maturity to understand your own limits. It is the sad fact that sometimes you need something in order to gain more of it. But without maturity you cannot progress, perhaps this is why we gain this type of wisdom with age and experiences, and we all must falter and learn the harsh reality that our actions reflect our decisions, and it is our actions that people remember far beyond the words we may utter now.
And maybe this is one of the hardest lessons we learn when we grow up, because this requires us to make mistakes and recognize that it was our decision that caused our failures. But even harder is to change your behaviour so that you don't make the same mistake twice. When you can do that, regardless of what is easier, then you have learned that being mature isn't always easy and it isn't always fun, but it is essential to being an adult.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Of alcohol...
I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that alcohol has made me do some pretty stupid things. Fortunatly most of them haven't been dangerous, I've never tried to drive after drinking or done anything too dangerous, I've hopped fences and fallen down a bunch but I'm still alive and kicking. And I've never done anything irreversible while drunk, you apologize for being drunk and at least you aren't creative enough to lie when you're drunk. But perhaps its the "lying" culture we grow up in that we feel it is necessary to apologize for being bluntly truthful. It's bad manners to lie, but it's even worse to be offensive or to ignore normal social logic. But why? Being rude is one thing but if you're telling the truth, however bluntly, shouldn't people listen?
Alcohol gets us all into situations I'm sure we'd all rather avoid, but that isn't even true is it? Alcohol is the enabler, it allows us to try and do the things we all secretly think about but wouldn't normally act on. It isn't the alcohol, it's us, it's human to try and touch our hopes even though we all know we'll regret it in the morning. But the reason we regret isn't because we didn't want what we get, but because society tells us that we should be.
You can't blame the enabler, and you can't really blame the person. It's just part of our nature to seek the things we want, even if they are inappropriate. And sometimes throwing social contract out the window is the only means we assume to achieve something.
In the end alcohol is just that, a liquid. Sometimes it's ups and sometimes it's downs, does it make us stupid enough to act based only on desire or do we drink it to escape the consquences? Just let it be what it is, and enjoy it while you have the time. In the end we are our own undoing by the standards of society.
Alcohol gets us all into situations I'm sure we'd all rather avoid, but that isn't even true is it? Alcohol is the enabler, it allows us to try and do the things we all secretly think about but wouldn't normally act on. It isn't the alcohol, it's us, it's human to try and touch our hopes even though we all know we'll regret it in the morning. But the reason we regret isn't because we didn't want what we get, but because society tells us that we should be.
You can't blame the enabler, and you can't really blame the person. It's just part of our nature to seek the things we want, even if they are inappropriate. And sometimes throwing social contract out the window is the only means we assume to achieve something.
In the end alcohol is just that, a liquid. Sometimes it's ups and sometimes it's downs, does it make us stupid enough to act based only on desire or do we drink it to escape the consquences? Just let it be what it is, and enjoy it while you have the time. In the end we are our own undoing by the standards of society.
Friday, 10 December 2010
Of taboos...
Most taboos are silly, and should be broken. Like tattoos, peircings, be able to be married and still see friends of the opposite sex, to talk about sexuality and beliefs openly.
Why in this day and age should we have to adhere to this set idea that all people come in one way? Having a tattoo, or smoking doesn't make people any worse at their jobs yet many employers hold this question as a hiring point. Even sexuality is considered a make or break point, there is still the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in the US military.
For years talking about cancer was considered a taboo, but why should it be? If I was to get cancer I'd certaintly look to the support of my friends and fight for the cure. Perhaps this older example is a little harder to connect with now, but there are other diseases that many people would prefer to sweep under the rug like HIV and AIDS. Many people are scared to tell others about this illness and get support and help because they fear the "negative" connotations of being gay or dirty.
So really what is the point of these restrictions on the beautiful variety of the human kind? Rules that have been created to protect society by placing these "laws" on right and wrong that serve no function. When people see someone they perceive as different and they don't try to understand one another you get these taboos telling us some made up dangers for a group of "others". Dr. Suess couldn't have done better than The Sneetches when describing the stupidity of group function and seclusion based on simple differences. In the end they are all just sneetches and we are all just humans.
Some taboos come from religion and some from us. We are all just as likely to make false ideas and prejudice against those we don't understand, but we need to recognise it and overcome it, otherwise we'll never move on as a species.
That said are there any taboos that do have a good purpose? I think this largely relies on what you see to be a good purpose, but I can only think of one taboo.
The taboo of cheating. Why this one? Respect.
I currently fancy someone who is in a relationship but its just a meager fancy and I will move on with a couple weeks time. But even if I hated this persons significant other I still need to respect them, and respect that they have a relationship and that being the "mistress" wouldn't earn me any respect as a person either. When you get into the territory of relationships I think the rules are there for a reason, to prevent people from getting hurt and causing drama, which I'm sure we all know and hate.
Even if the girlfriend is up for a threesome, which wouldn't be cheating anymore, or some other rediculous propostion it wouldn't get me anywhere nor would I be able to respect myself for that.
So either way I wouldn't even try to pry into that, and though I think that the guy is a one in a million I'll find someone else even if I have to meet a million more people to do it. And in several years time we can all laugh about it, instead of having hard feelings.
So I feel I'm in a very bad position, because I can't properly say that taboos shouldn't exsist when I think one should. But in the end of the day we are all grey on any matter.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
First blog, where to start... how about sex?
So I think I'll start with something basic and a human need and my experiences of it.
I'm not that old yet and I can't say I've experienced everything but I can say this is a huge question for young and old alike. How do you approach sex, what's good, what's bad and ultimately do I fit in? To give my answer I'm going to go back, way back.
I started liking boys not because I physically liked them but media told me I should have a boyfriend in order to be cool. I'm talking about when I was 12 and the whole world seemed to be pushing me towards those troublesome teenage years, when you desire for others to accept you and want to be you, you aspire to be mature, despite the fact that once you are you just wish you could be innocent again, and you know nothing of the cruel world of relationships. Yet once I was 12 I felt so pressured by society to find myself a boyfriend, and I went and asked my best friend if he would go out with me, he said no. And I faced this sense of if I was what a girl should be like he should say yes, I must not be pretty enough so I looked around and all the girls in school did look differently from me, and I craved to fit in. But as much as a 12 year old wishes somethings never happen and somethings just take time, and thus I faced the first reality of life, change.
So I turned 13, moved, and grew about 6 inches over summer. All of the sudden I was starting to look more like a teenager, I was about 5'3" and thin and the only thing I thought I still needed was a boyfriend and a pair of large, bouncy breasts, which years later I still do not have. But this time when I asked a guy out, mostly because after several months he hadn't asked me, he said yes. I'm not sure what other's first relationships were like but this relationship was several months of giggles and elation and my percieved status at not being single, pure, juvenile, and above all else shallow. After about 5 months we broke up and I cried, not because I was deeply hurt or heartbroken, it just happened perhaps because it brought the second realisation of adulthood, fun times don't last forever but at least I'd only lost my first kiss.
Soon after I was 14 and a new highschool kid, this is the first time I really have a "sexual" experience and about the time I start questioning my sexuality. I was a freshman and somewhere in the past year or two it seemed that everyone had become sexually active. I was still too scared of anything that to me represented true love to happen, when I didn't know what love is. This is the first time I actively said "No." to peer pressure and I'm very grateful I did. Because as the freshmeat I was small, thin and innocent, and the sudden swarm of attention I got from men was exciting and poorly dealt with. I must have dated 10 guys before I met the one I actually lusted after, because I didn't have the understanding to reject those who I didn't like, but at the same time I learned a valuable lesson that year and I learned about lust.
My first "love", looking back it was very shallow and probably only lust, was 17 and he was smart and fairly good looking and the cause of more drama than I wish to remember. With him I never got farther than spooning before I caught him cheating on me and we broke up shortly after. Third thing you face as an adult, deciet and a sense of being emotionally ripped apart when someone breaks your trust, nothing like the small broken childhood promises.
This emotional grievance I faced lead me to make a very important and big mistake, the rebound. There are people who you fancy because you are trying to move away from the sense of loss you feel and my 14 year old self sought this refuge in a 16 year old boy. This boy I invited over one night and brand new license in hand he came, with a condom in the other. I had promised myself not to have sex and I did keep that, in fact it wasn't even hard, because after the general flirting he unsheathed his penis. I don't know what I was expecting I just remember feeling and thinking these three things, "Scared out of my mind as if some alien had emerged, revolted, and the sense of what the hell are you supposed to do with that?" Men, please don't take it personally but I was raised in an all female household and the penis was definatly foriegn to a girl who hadn't ever considered putting something in her vagina or that it might be pleasurable. This boy proceeded to grab my hand and fold it around the lower shaft of his penis, I'm was in too much shock I think to object but as he soon found out I was also in too much shock to assist with a hand job. I quickly withdrew silently to a corner of the room to watch in a sort of horrified fascination, as soon as he was done I said "I think my mom will be home soon." And he left. I kind of blanked this out of my memories but it was around this time I considered that perhaps I'm not normal and I had been liking men out of a false presumption of right and wrong. Number four, the majority are not always right and they can't make everyone happy with their ideas of it.
Year 15, shortly after the penis incident, is the first time I persued a girl, she was 17 and lesbian, and she was beautiful, kind, mature and wonderfully outside convention. While ultimately she rejected me I don't think my feelings towards her are false and I still idolize her and hold her very dear to my heart. She held my hand when I was scared and comforted me, she showed me the fun sides and she accepted me when I finally understood that I love both men and women. The rest of my 15th year was mostly my year of strict singledom and gaining more self confidence and understanding. The fifth thing about sexual adulthood, for all the people out there who are ignorant there will be some beautiful and understanding individuals.
When I turned 16 I had my first on and off relationship which lasted, I don't count the breaks, about 10 months. I slowly got over the initial fear of penises I had, and gave my first hand job and blow job as well as recieving them from a man. Not the most exciting year but it is the year I started to rebel against my mother's regime of "fear and stress". Since which she has mellowed out, but I think a teenager was too stressful for her and she wasn't willing to let go until the suffering forced me to move out for my mental stablity, but I'll save rebellion for another blog.
When I turned 17 I had moved out and relocated many miles away. This is the year I would learn love and the year I would lose my virginity. I lost it to a boy I had only dated for a short while, but I had always told myself to wait until the age of consent which in my area was 17, I also decided to give in to my misguided belief that somehow it would help the relationship. My first time has to be one of the most painful things I've ever gone through and I'm very glad I'll never have to go through again, it was definatly over romanticised in the media. That said I still feel it was the perfect thing to express my new stage of freedom and realism towards the world, but even more so I cherish that fact that I decided when to do it regardless of the fear of the unknown territory I was about to enter. (But if you are thinking about having sex I highly advise you wait until you are old enough you can actually deal with the consquences of pregnancy or STDs, just because I haven't experienced then doesn't mean it is ever completely safe and if you aren't old enough to work or finish school you should think long and hard before consenting.)
My sixth lesson in adulthood and sexuality is that regardless of others don't let you views on sex be belittled, if you think it is romantic hold true and if you think it is just fun thats fine the world comes in all sorts. I find sex liberating and enjoyable but intimate and not romantic so much as a physical action of my trust in another person.
That brings me to adulthood, I have many things left to experience but the biggest things the world of relationships and sex have taught me are: Always be yourself and don't let others bully you or pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or don't feel prepared to do. In the end they probably aren't good friends or they won't remember you in 10 years time. Always be safe, as much as you may trust others the world is a dangerous place the least you can do is protect youself and your loved ones from undesirable consequences. And above all else don't be scared of being different, if everyone looks different, is it so hard to imagine we might all think differently? The mass media isn't trying to hurt you, they are just trying to sell their products, if someone male or female really likes you they'll be willing to wait. I know this is said all the time, and I might not be in the situation you are in, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was very important. If it helps I am only 19.
Learning it all is the hardest, but it isn't so bad in the long run.
I'm not that old yet and I can't say I've experienced everything but I can say this is a huge question for young and old alike. How do you approach sex, what's good, what's bad and ultimately do I fit in? To give my answer I'm going to go back, way back.
I started liking boys not because I physically liked them but media told me I should have a boyfriend in order to be cool. I'm talking about when I was 12 and the whole world seemed to be pushing me towards those troublesome teenage years, when you desire for others to accept you and want to be you, you aspire to be mature, despite the fact that once you are you just wish you could be innocent again, and you know nothing of the cruel world of relationships. Yet once I was 12 I felt so pressured by society to find myself a boyfriend, and I went and asked my best friend if he would go out with me, he said no. And I faced this sense of if I was what a girl should be like he should say yes, I must not be pretty enough so I looked around and all the girls in school did look differently from me, and I craved to fit in. But as much as a 12 year old wishes somethings never happen and somethings just take time, and thus I faced the first reality of life, change.
So I turned 13, moved, and grew about 6 inches over summer. All of the sudden I was starting to look more like a teenager, I was about 5'3" and thin and the only thing I thought I still needed was a boyfriend and a pair of large, bouncy breasts, which years later I still do not have. But this time when I asked a guy out, mostly because after several months he hadn't asked me, he said yes. I'm not sure what other's first relationships were like but this relationship was several months of giggles and elation and my percieved status at not being single, pure, juvenile, and above all else shallow. After about 5 months we broke up and I cried, not because I was deeply hurt or heartbroken, it just happened perhaps because it brought the second realisation of adulthood, fun times don't last forever but at least I'd only lost my first kiss.
Soon after I was 14 and a new highschool kid, this is the first time I really have a "sexual" experience and about the time I start questioning my sexuality. I was a freshman and somewhere in the past year or two it seemed that everyone had become sexually active. I was still too scared of anything that to me represented true love to happen, when I didn't know what love is. This is the first time I actively said "No." to peer pressure and I'm very grateful I did. Because as the freshmeat I was small, thin and innocent, and the sudden swarm of attention I got from men was exciting and poorly dealt with. I must have dated 10 guys before I met the one I actually lusted after, because I didn't have the understanding to reject those who I didn't like, but at the same time I learned a valuable lesson that year and I learned about lust.
My first "love", looking back it was very shallow and probably only lust, was 17 and he was smart and fairly good looking and the cause of more drama than I wish to remember. With him I never got farther than spooning before I caught him cheating on me and we broke up shortly after. Third thing you face as an adult, deciet and a sense of being emotionally ripped apart when someone breaks your trust, nothing like the small broken childhood promises.
This emotional grievance I faced lead me to make a very important and big mistake, the rebound. There are people who you fancy because you are trying to move away from the sense of loss you feel and my 14 year old self sought this refuge in a 16 year old boy. This boy I invited over one night and brand new license in hand he came, with a condom in the other. I had promised myself not to have sex and I did keep that, in fact it wasn't even hard, because after the general flirting he unsheathed his penis. I don't know what I was expecting I just remember feeling and thinking these three things, "Scared out of my mind as if some alien had emerged, revolted, and the sense of what the hell are you supposed to do with that?" Men, please don't take it personally but I was raised in an all female household and the penis was definatly foriegn to a girl who hadn't ever considered putting something in her vagina or that it might be pleasurable. This boy proceeded to grab my hand and fold it around the lower shaft of his penis, I'm was in too much shock I think to object but as he soon found out I was also in too much shock to assist with a hand job. I quickly withdrew silently to a corner of the room to watch in a sort of horrified fascination, as soon as he was done I said "I think my mom will be home soon." And he left. I kind of blanked this out of my memories but it was around this time I considered that perhaps I'm not normal and I had been liking men out of a false presumption of right and wrong. Number four, the majority are not always right and they can't make everyone happy with their ideas of it.
Year 15, shortly after the penis incident, is the first time I persued a girl, she was 17 and lesbian, and she was beautiful, kind, mature and wonderfully outside convention. While ultimately she rejected me I don't think my feelings towards her are false and I still idolize her and hold her very dear to my heart. She held my hand when I was scared and comforted me, she showed me the fun sides and she accepted me when I finally understood that I love both men and women. The rest of my 15th year was mostly my year of strict singledom and gaining more self confidence and understanding. The fifth thing about sexual adulthood, for all the people out there who are ignorant there will be some beautiful and understanding individuals.
When I turned 16 I had my first on and off relationship which lasted, I don't count the breaks, about 10 months. I slowly got over the initial fear of penises I had, and gave my first hand job and blow job as well as recieving them from a man. Not the most exciting year but it is the year I started to rebel against my mother's regime of "fear and stress". Since which she has mellowed out, but I think a teenager was too stressful for her and she wasn't willing to let go until the suffering forced me to move out for my mental stablity, but I'll save rebellion for another blog.
When I turned 17 I had moved out and relocated many miles away. This is the year I would learn love and the year I would lose my virginity. I lost it to a boy I had only dated for a short while, but I had always told myself to wait until the age of consent which in my area was 17, I also decided to give in to my misguided belief that somehow it would help the relationship. My first time has to be one of the most painful things I've ever gone through and I'm very glad I'll never have to go through again, it was definatly over romanticised in the media. That said I still feel it was the perfect thing to express my new stage of freedom and realism towards the world, but even more so I cherish that fact that I decided when to do it regardless of the fear of the unknown territory I was about to enter. (But if you are thinking about having sex I highly advise you wait until you are old enough you can actually deal with the consquences of pregnancy or STDs, just because I haven't experienced then doesn't mean it is ever completely safe and if you aren't old enough to work or finish school you should think long and hard before consenting.)
My sixth lesson in adulthood and sexuality is that regardless of others don't let you views on sex be belittled, if you think it is romantic hold true and if you think it is just fun thats fine the world comes in all sorts. I find sex liberating and enjoyable but intimate and not romantic so much as a physical action of my trust in another person.
That brings me to adulthood, I have many things left to experience but the biggest things the world of relationships and sex have taught me are: Always be yourself and don't let others bully you or pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or don't feel prepared to do. In the end they probably aren't good friends or they won't remember you in 10 years time. Always be safe, as much as you may trust others the world is a dangerous place the least you can do is protect youself and your loved ones from undesirable consequences. And above all else don't be scared of being different, if everyone looks different, is it so hard to imagine we might all think differently? The mass media isn't trying to hurt you, they are just trying to sell their products, if someone male or female really likes you they'll be willing to wait. I know this is said all the time, and I might not be in the situation you are in, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was very important. If it helps I am only 19.
Learning it all is the hardest, but it isn't so bad in the long run.
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