So I think I'll start with something basic and a human need and my experiences of it.
I'm not that old yet and I can't say I've experienced everything but I can say this is a huge question for young and old alike. How do you approach sex, what's good, what's bad and ultimately do I fit in? To give my answer I'm going to go back, way back.
I started liking boys not because I physically liked them but media told me I should have a boyfriend in order to be cool. I'm talking about when I was 12 and the whole world seemed to be pushing me towards those troublesome teenage years, when you desire for others to accept you and want to be you, you aspire to be mature, despite the fact that once you are you just wish you could be innocent again, and you know nothing of the cruel world of relationships. Yet once I was 12 I felt so pressured by society to find myself a boyfriend, and I went and asked my best friend if he would go out with me, he said no. And I faced this sense of if I was what a girl should be like he should say yes, I must not be pretty enough so I looked around and all the girls in school did look differently from me, and I craved to fit in. But as much as a 12 year old wishes somethings never happen and somethings just take time, and thus I faced the first reality of life, change.
So I turned 13, moved, and grew about 6 inches over summer. All of the sudden I was starting to look more like a teenager, I was about 5'3" and thin and the only thing I thought I still needed was a boyfriend and a pair of large, bouncy breasts, which years later I still do not have. But this time when I asked a guy out, mostly because after several months he hadn't asked me, he said yes. I'm not sure what other's first relationships were like but this relationship was several months of giggles and elation and my percieved status at not being single, pure, juvenile, and above all else shallow. After about 5 months we broke up and I cried, not because I was deeply hurt or heartbroken, it just happened perhaps because it brought the second realisation of adulthood, fun times don't last forever but at least I'd only lost my first kiss.
Soon after I was 14 and a new highschool kid, this is the first time I really have a "sexual" experience and about the time I start questioning my sexuality. I was a freshman and somewhere in the past year or two it seemed that everyone had become sexually active. I was still too scared of anything that to me represented true love to happen, when I didn't know what love is. This is the first time I actively said "No." to peer pressure and I'm very grateful I did. Because as the freshmeat I was small, thin and innocent, and the sudden swarm of attention I got from men was exciting and poorly dealt with. I must have dated 10 guys before I met the one I actually lusted after, because I didn't have the understanding to reject those who I didn't like, but at the same time I learned a valuable lesson that year and I learned about lust.
My first "love", looking back it was very shallow and probably only lust, was 17 and he was smart and fairly good looking and the cause of more drama than I wish to remember. With him I never got farther than spooning before I caught him cheating on me and we broke up shortly after. Third thing you face as an adult, deciet and a sense of being emotionally ripped apart when someone breaks your trust, nothing like the small broken childhood promises.
This emotional grievance I faced lead me to make a very important and big mistake, the rebound. There are people who you fancy because you are trying to move away from the sense of loss you feel and my 14 year old self sought this refuge in a 16 year old boy. This boy I invited over one night and brand new license in hand he came, with a condom in the other. I had promised myself not to have sex and I did keep that, in fact it wasn't even hard, because after the general flirting he unsheathed his penis. I don't know what I was expecting I just remember feeling and thinking these three things, "Scared out of my mind as if some alien had emerged, revolted, and the sense of what the hell are you supposed to do with that?" Men, please don't take it personally but I was raised in an all female household and the penis was definatly foriegn to a girl who hadn't ever considered putting something in her vagina or that it might be pleasurable. This boy proceeded to grab my hand and fold it around the lower shaft of his penis, I'm was in too much shock I think to object but as he soon found out I was also in too much shock to assist with a hand job. I quickly withdrew silently to a corner of the room to watch in a sort of horrified fascination, as soon as he was done I said "I think my mom will be home soon." And he left. I kind of blanked this out of my memories but it was around this time I considered that perhaps I'm not normal and I had been liking men out of a false presumption of right and wrong. Number four, the majority are not always right and they can't make everyone happy with their ideas of it.
Year 15, shortly after the penis incident, is the first time I persued a girl, she was 17 and lesbian, and she was beautiful, kind, mature and wonderfully outside convention. While ultimately she rejected me I don't think my feelings towards her are false and I still idolize her and hold her very dear to my heart. She held my hand when I was scared and comforted me, she showed me the fun sides and she accepted me when I finally understood that I love both men and women. The rest of my 15th year was mostly my year of strict singledom and gaining more self confidence and understanding. The fifth thing about sexual adulthood, for all the people out there who are ignorant there will be some beautiful and understanding individuals.
When I turned 16 I had my first on and off relationship which lasted, I don't count the breaks, about 10 months. I slowly got over the initial fear of penises I had, and gave my first hand job and blow job as well as recieving them from a man. Not the most exciting year but it is the year I started to rebel against my mother's regime of "fear and stress". Since which she has mellowed out, but I think a teenager was too stressful for her and she wasn't willing to let go until the suffering forced me to move out for my mental stablity, but I'll save rebellion for another blog.
When I turned 17 I had moved out and relocated many miles away. This is the year I would learn love and the year I would lose my virginity. I lost it to a boy I had only dated for a short while, but I had always told myself to wait until the age of consent which in my area was 17, I also decided to give in to my misguided belief that somehow it would help the relationship. My first time has to be one of the most painful things I've ever gone through and I'm very glad I'll never have to go through again, it was definatly over romanticised in the media. That said I still feel it was the perfect thing to express my new stage of freedom and realism towards the world, but even more so I cherish that fact that I decided when to do it regardless of the fear of the unknown territory I was about to enter. (But if you are thinking about having sex I highly advise you wait until you are old enough you can actually deal with the consquences of pregnancy or STDs, just because I haven't experienced then doesn't mean it is ever completely safe and if you aren't old enough to work or finish school you should think long and hard before consenting.)
My sixth lesson in adulthood and sexuality is that regardless of others don't let you views on sex be belittled, if you think it is romantic hold true and if you think it is just fun thats fine the world comes in all sorts. I find sex liberating and enjoyable but intimate and not romantic so much as a physical action of my trust in another person.
That brings me to adulthood, I have many things left to experience but the biggest things the world of relationships and sex have taught me are: Always be yourself and don't let others bully you or pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or don't feel prepared to do. In the end they probably aren't good friends or they won't remember you in 10 years time. Always be safe, as much as you may trust others the world is a dangerous place the least you can do is protect youself and your loved ones from undesirable consequences. And above all else don't be scared of being different, if everyone looks different, is it so hard to imagine we might all think differently? The mass media isn't trying to hurt you, they are just trying to sell their products, if someone male or female really likes you they'll be willing to wait. I know this is said all the time, and I might not be in the situation you are in, but I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it was very important. If it helps I am only 19.
Learning it all is the hardest, but it isn't so bad in the long run.
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